Oh, the Horrorrrrr

Wull, I’ve had a bloody awful time lately, so I’m chiming back in. I am completely freaked out, but I must stop my panic and breathe.

And my internet connect just went KaPuT! So I lost the 3 or 5 or whatever paragraphs I ranted here because the stupid thing did not save. But just the writing helped, even if it no longer exists. To sum up, I am back on an SSRI, andĀ the BP meds, and metformin. Feeling better now, after a difficult shark week. One thing at a time, one day at a time, one hour, one minute. Try to keep going on without panic.

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Craving Fat and Salt

Craving Fat and Salt like crazy. Is it too much? Is it making me ill? At this point, I’m rather obsessed, primarily because there is NOTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE. Besides the obvious cat roommate problems.

I took my readings at 3:40 pm:

BP 121/83.

BG 121.

Face very hot, like a niacin burn or something.

I think BG is high, and I think my appetite is larger than I would like. Like licking-bacon-grease-off-a-plate hungry.

I skipped metformin for a couple of days, but decided to take it yesterday, and will take it today, right now. I will take half dose at 500 mg right now, and 500 mg at midnite. Also took 2K vitamin D. I don’t have a multivitamin, so that’s out. It is really sunny and hot today, and as usual on awful sunny days like this, I am having trouble leaving the house. This is sadly very typical for me. I didn’t feel like this last week, so I was hoping that keto was helping this agoraphobia. I have not been out in the sun for 4 days, so it may be influenced by lack of sunlight, also. I don’t know, but I’m making a note of it.

Do not feel so great, what with the fear and shame making a reappearance, and the fun face burning making me feel like a hypochondriac. Not at my best, feeling pressure from my life situations, beginning of new month, cat problems, and general loserness.

Cooked 2 burgers with butter, and a broth to drink at 4 pm also, but am suddenly full! Did licking the bacon-grease-plate fulfill my need for fat and salt? Make a note of it.

I will eat them later if I am hungry. They’ll keep.

Gatos del Bug Out

They can’t get out they can’t get out THEY CAN’T GET OUT AND THEY’RE LOSING THEIR MINDS!!! Dear god, please help me figure out what to do with them, and myself, and the baby that Kathryn Grayson is going to be birthin’ in Showboat. Amen.

IMG_1558Spent much of yesterday floundering. Sundays are no laughing matter around here. I have much horrible Monday Anxiety, even if it is hard to discern a Monday from a Saturday or any other day of the week.

But I love the movie versions of Showboat because they are full of the misery and stupidity of real life. Paul Robeson’s voice is a beautiful thing. All those voices are beautiful, coming as they do from decades past. It’s a great antidote to impossibly cheery modern movies.

So, to sum up this stupid mungled Monday (yes, I made that word up, and it perfectly describes today), I did good with the Keto regimen. Today’s theory on cravings is that I should get more fat, so I did a bulletproof coffee thing, and what with the limited number of hours I was actually awake, I am quite satisfied and made my macros.

I will try to make tomorrow better. No way it can’t be better. No way, indeed.

Damn

Okay, not the best afternoon. Z THREW UP all over the “lounge” area. I heard her puking and tried to grab her and move her to a “puke safe” location (wait, what? where would this be?) and she grabbed on and hence, her puke went EVERYWHERE. I cleaned it up, and walked the trash to the bin (a few stops down on Serenity Lane) and when I came back, a cup of liquid refreshment was found up-ended on my laptop. Which made my laptop act, let’s say, REAL FUNNY when I tried to restart it. And restart it I did, like 5 times. Things showed up on my screen that I, in my many decades of using apple products, had NEVER seen before. I am sooooooo not happy ’bout that.

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Poor Z, sequestered up in a cupboard, with her big Burmese face, was looking quite ill after PUKING UP TWICE MORE.

And all the other nekos were tuned to WTF I WANNA GO OUTSIDE AND IF NOT GIVE ME SOME FREAKIN’ ATTENTION BC IT’S SO FREAKING BORING HERE.

My stupid cable connection (Cable TV? What is this, the 90s?) keeps freezing like a weird strobe light type of rhythm at the same time it is urging me to “Expore Branson, Minn.”

AND I am suddenly ravaged by hatred for my friend S and her stupid attempts to reach out to me ALL THE WHILE not speaking AT ALL about essential elements in our relationship, like CARING, TRUTH and HONEST COMMUNICATION. But that’s prolly okay because she is housing a bunch of psychopaths due to her inability to admit that she CANNOT FIX EVERYONE.

I don’t know if I can take it. I am already so sad at my inadvertent trip down GRIEF MEMORY LANE via this stupid blog. So many lovely photos of my love, my dead love, my past life, my DEAD PAST LIFE.

Should I take my SSRI? Am I crashing and burning? Was i skating on some kind of blood-infused SSRI purgatory state?

So I bought a big bottle of wine (awkwardly in the midst of what appeared to be an attempt at robbery) and now I am trying not to crash.

Or trying to crash LITE.

I am not sure what I am doing.

I dreamt of three tigers

My dream last night! Or more correctly, this morning. Three beautiful, glowingly orange tigers running amok at Camp Runamok. Trying to eat seniors riding those crazy senior scooters, and I was part of the pack running them off with much aplomb. Excellent dream.

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I took no medicine last night, so as of now I am off of all blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, and depression meds. We’ll see how it goes. It’s not a big problem to begin again, but I just decided I wanted to try and see how it makes me feel. I wish I had blood tests on tap, but I can take my BP and BG at home and make an informed choice based on that.

Anyway, I have no problem dying right now. I would just rather NOT stroke out and lose what few feeble faculties I have.

TIGERS! Lovely dream.

*afternoon update* I look a little red and I feel a little red, and not in a good commiepinko type of way, so I took my BP & BG meds. No statins tho. We’ll see how that works.

I’ve made myself all sad, too, posting photos of P. Miss her so much. Sucks to be me, trapped here, without her to make the world a good place to be in.

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Boot Hill, baby, see you at Boot Hill.

Week one of Keto

Okay, I will just summarize my thoughts after a week of eating Keto.

Firstly, TCM is playing really interestingly weird Japanese movies, vintage I guess (due to their monochromatic presentation), but they seem to have no subtitles? After only one Japanese class, at which I received a B, I need subtitles.

Wait, the picture is misaligned. I see the subtitles cut off at the bottom. I am far too lazy, and it’s also one AM, so I will not fix the settings.

pilloTCM-BISo, once again, I will sum up my thoughts on Keto:

  1. I am crazy craving beef patties with lots of salt.
  2. I have stopped my anti-depressant meds. I was taking a SSRI and a low bed-time dose of another (i think it was an SNRI or something, basically just affected my sleep).
  3. I seem to be in a better mood without them. Not so scared. I can go outside with only slight hesitation. For an agoraphobic, this is a pretty damn major win.
  4. I took a bath and a shower today. I didn’t need to, I wanted to. This is unusual, as I was developing a ripe old phobia about being naked, and one must be naked in order to bathe. I’m not sure what else the budding phobia had to do with, like was it the sensory discomfort of water on skin (baths are okay but showers are torture for me, usually), or the sense of being naked or vulnerable, or the difficulty of self-awareness while I wash ( I spend a great deal of time attempting to distract myself from life with digital media, books, and video, so being without this distraction can sometimes prove uncomfortable), but it has been a very difficult part of my life in recent months. Another massive win.
  5. All my cravings seem to be for fat or protein (meat). I kind of miss chocolate, but would opt for a juicy beef patty instead of chocolate if I had a choice. This is very odd.
  6. I am still taking half of my diabetes med allotment. Normally 1000 mg, I’ve been taking 500 a day. I am still taking 2 blood pressure meds, 1 statin, and 500 mg metformin (as stated above). I am only taking them because I am apprehensive to stop without medical advice.
  7. I arranged to go to a potluck, which I then chickened out from. I will prolly write more about this later, as I kind of should process it I guess. Flaking out is pretty standard for me, but to plan to go to one at all is what is shocking. Meeting a roomfull of strangers is a big, bold step! Of course, when I balked, I felt I had a right to go binge on things. This is also standard. However, I didn’t want to screw up the Keto (highly unusual), so I purchased low carb sugar free type stuff, and ended up not eating a lot of it. I also got wine and nicotine. I have some wine left, also unusual. I don’t feel like a total loser. I feel like I could maybe explain what happened and try again. That is HIGHLY UNUSUAL. Also a total win, as normally I would be found self-flagellating in order to punish myself for my loserness.

It’s almost as if the extra fat in my diet has helped my mind.

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Mind you, I have not been rigidly coordinating my diet perimeters. I have just been aiming for 20g/100g/120g (or 5%/30%65%). I’ve gotten kind of close on some days, further on others, but I’m trying to not be rigid with myself because I’m so phobic about failure.

But I feel fairly good, rather confident, and really much improved over my “normal” state of mind. Did my brain need extra fat? What the hell? I find it really hard to understand, and did not anticipate this at all. I started Keto because I have been regularly impressed with the progress photos shown on reddit, and decided I would give it a try. And my body seems to like it. Few cravings (mostly for more beef patties!!), belly shrinkage (I fit into a smaller size pant), and no desire for carbs.

So far so good. Wouldn’t it be great if this was an answer to my life-long depression? At this point, any improvement in any area is a blessing. I will ride this wave of strange bliss wherever it goes.

This is where we start

Time and time again, I turn to creating stupid, anonymous blogs so that I can bounce my unheard ideas off the gluttonous mass that is the internet. Once upon a time, there was a world out there, with thinking people and thoughtful cultures, and I dreamed of writing to reach the people in it. I once thought there were people out there like me, and, in writing, I could share the thrills and terrors of everyday life and find some succor in doing so.

I don’t believe that anymore.

But still, I need someone to talk to, to write to. So I start these blogs.

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My first one was a rant on my narcissisticĀ  rich boss, who took out on me all the psycho-dramas perpetuated on him by his narcissistic, famous rich boss. That one gave me great relief. My job with him was well-paid, but I was basically a nanny to his dog. I spent every penny I earned trying to forget who I was and what I was doing, so the net effect on my life was like treading water in a septic tank.

The second rant blog was a way to deal with my incredibly insane second wife, who I married because I was bored and lonely and did not really conceive that a person could, in fact, regularly become psychotic and disattached from any link to reality. I wish I could remember the address of that blog because, after being divorced about a year, I would like to gleefully experience the relief of being rid of that bitch on tap and revisit it any time I had the slightest doubt that my life is SO much better without her.

I might have had another one, or two, but whatever the case is with those forgotten bits of cosmic stupidity, I am now starting another one.

This one? I guess it’s still a rant, but mostly about wonder. Like that reddit sub, ShowerThoughts. Like a Seinfeld show. Like the kind of conversation I could be having with a friend, if I had a friend that I could talk to without being aware I was wasting their time, or a family member who wasn’t an insecure poo-head. Alas, I am alone, and will therefore use this blog for my RANTS OF WONDER.

At least until I forget the site address.