Okay, I will just summarize my thoughts after a week of eating Keto.

Firstly, TCM is playing really interestingly weird Japanese movies, vintage I guess (due to their monochromatic presentation), but they seem to have no subtitles? After only one Japanese class, at which I received a B, I need subtitles.

Wait, the picture is misaligned. I see the subtitles cut off at the bottom. I am far too lazy, and it’s also one AM, so I will not fix the settings.

pilloTCM-BISo, once again, I will sum up my thoughts on Keto:

  1. I am crazy craving beef patties with lots of salt.
  2. I have stopped my anti-depressant meds. I was taking a SSRI and a low bed-time dose of another (i think it was an SNRI or something, basically just affected my sleep).
  3. I seem to be in a better mood without them. Not so scared. I can go outside with only slight hesitation. For an agoraphobic, this is a pretty damn major win.
  4. I took a bath and a shower today. I didn’t need to, I wanted to. This is unusual, as I was developing a ripe old phobia about being naked, and one must be naked in order to bathe. I’m not sure what else the budding phobia had to do with, like was it the sensory discomfort of water on skin (baths are okay but showers are torture for me, usually), or the sense of being naked or vulnerable, or the difficulty of self-awareness while I wash ( I spend a great deal of time attempting to distract myself from life with digital media, books, and video, so being without this distraction can sometimes prove uncomfortable), but it has been a very difficult part of my life in recent months. Another massive win.
  5. All my cravings seem to be for fat or protein (meat). I kind of miss chocolate, but would opt for a juicy beef patty instead of chocolate if I had a choice. This is very odd.
  6. I am still taking half of my diabetes med allotment. Normally 1000 mg, I’ve been taking 500 a day. I am still taking 2 blood pressure meds, 1 statin, and 500 mg metformin (as stated above). I am only taking them because I am apprehensive to stop without medical advice.
  7. I arranged to go to a potluck, which I then chickened out from. I will prolly write more about this later, as I kind of should process it I guess. Flaking out is pretty standard for me, but to plan to go to one at all is what is shocking. Meeting a roomfull of strangers is a big, bold step! Of course, when I balked, I felt I had a right to go binge on things. This is also standard. However, I didn’t want to screw up the Keto (highly unusual), so I purchased low carb sugar free type stuff, and ended up not eating a lot of it. I also got wine and nicotine. I have some wine left, also unusual. I don’t feel like a total loser. I feel like I could maybe explain what happened and try again. That is HIGHLY UNUSUAL. Also a total win, as normally I would be found self-flagellating in order to punish myself for my loserness.

It’s almost as if the extra fat in my diet has helped my mind.

fullbrains-BI

Mind you, I have not been rigidly coordinating my diet perimeters. I have just been aiming for 20g/100g/120g (or 5%/30%65%). I’ve gotten kind of close on some days, further on others, but I’m trying to not be rigid with myself because I’m so phobic about failure.

But I feel fairly good, rather confident, and really much improved over my “normal” state of mind. Did my brain need extra fat? What the hell? I find it really hard to understand, and did not anticipate this at all. I started Keto because I have been regularly impressed with the progress photos shown on reddit, and decided I would give it a try. And my body seems to like it. Few cravings (mostly for more beef patties!!), belly shrinkage (I fit into a smaller size pant), and no desire for carbs.

So far so good. Wouldn’t it be great if this was an answer to my life-long depression? At this point, any improvement in any area is a blessing. I will ride this wave of strange bliss wherever it goes.

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